It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
