Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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