i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Your penis caused this!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
