just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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