I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
