I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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