The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
