This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
