Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
