Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
