So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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