he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
