she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
