I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
