I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
