Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
