theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
