who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
