You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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