I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
