he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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