I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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