Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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