Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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