I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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