i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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