My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
