drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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