Betty ford says i'm here all night
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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