Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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