In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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