Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
COCAINE IS GR8
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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