Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
