Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
