remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
