dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
