Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he was CRYING into my vagina
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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