Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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