there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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