I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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