captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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