you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
