I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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