It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
