whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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