I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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