i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
