dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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