Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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