just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
